COMMUNITY

WHAT TO EXPECT (And why it’s worth taking the time to follow the group’s membership requirements):

We have saved and changed lives. We’ve donated money to get members out of abusive relationships. Members have stayed with and traveled with one another. We are here for each other, and for many of us, this is the closest thing to real community we have.

For this reason, this is a highly vulnerable group, where people share information that could harm them if publicly disclosed. I now require all prospective members to sign a non-disclosure agreement, and to agree to the group rules. You do not have to join the group, but if you want to, you must follow the rules to join. People who balk at the rules are not a good fit for this group, which again, is a highly vulnerable and unique space that I must protect.

This NDA does not apply to accidental disclosures, or to trivial disclosures—such as when you tell your spouse about something that happened in the group, but do not use names. This only applies to people who maliciously and deliberately share information, such as in an atempt to endanger, harm or otherwise intimidate a group member. To deter bad actors—ex-husbands, incels, and other terribles—I have added automatic monetary damages to this NDA.

I would never use this against a group member who acted in good faith, and the terms of the NDA make this clear. I have tried to keep the language plain and simple.

Sign the NDA by clicking this link.

If you need help with the NDA, please email me.

If you would like to help another person join the group, please direct them to this page. If you want to fund membership for another person, you can either purchase them a membership on Substack, or contribute to the scholarship fund on Patreon.

GROUP RULES & EXPECTATIONS

The core rule of this group is to treat others with kindness and decency, and to never use the group to exploit or harm others. You won’t escape following the group rules on a technicality. If you are harming others, I may ask you to leave the group. Our rules include the following:

1. This is a support group. Be supportive. Don't laugh-react serious comments. Don't roll your eyes at or condescend to people. Bring your best Kindergarten manners to the group. If someone is talking about abuse or a tragedy, don't jump all over them for something unrelated. This will, above and beyond all else, be a kind group. Men don't need you to defend them here, and there will be no whataboutism. Always center the feelings of the poster, rather than suggesting justifications or reasons that a man might be mistreating her.

2. No ableism. Don't armchair diagnose people. Don't correct people's grammar. Don't position yourself as more intelligent than others. Please note that blaming abusive or manipulative behavior on autism, ADHD, or other neurodivergence is inherently ableist.

3. Men are held to a higher standard, and are welcomed with immense skepticism. This is a support group for women, femmes, mothers, and other non-men. Men are granted access on a very limited, conditional basis, and ONLY if they are 1) paid subscribers; and 2) email zawn@zawn.net to tell me the specific reason they would like to join. Men do not get second chances or the benefit of the doubt in this group. If a man behaves badly in the group, he will be immediately banned. Do not invite men to this group.

4. This isn't the place to seek clout with flame wars and condescension. Ask for clarity before you double down. If you feel unsafe in this group, or are contemplating leaving because of problems in the group, please email me: zawn@zawn.net.

5. No oppressive bullshit. No racism, sexism, transphobia, ableism, anti-fat bigotry, etc. In an effort to keep this group safe, I make very liberal use of bans and mutes. Calling out your racism is not abuse, violence, or oppression. White tears, defending abusive men, and similarly foolish behavior will earn you an immediate ban. All opinions are not equally valid. I am not the government, and restricting your speech is not a violation of your rights.

6. This is a brave space. We expect that people will make mistakes. We also expect that people will be willing to own up to those mistakes. If you cannot tolerate gentle correction, disagreement, or a request for an apology, then you are not a good fit for the group. In general, when someone engages in egregiously harmful conduct, I will temporarily mute them and give them the opportunity to apologize. If they do not, then I will permanently ban them.

7. Trust is earned. Please get to know the group ethos and dynamics. New members who immediately cause disputes or conflict, or who skate along the very edges of the group rules may be removed.

8. Treat people as authorities on their own lives. Assume people are telling the truth. Assume that people seeking advice have already tried obvious solutions. Assume that people's problems are not simple, are not their fault, and that they don't misunderstand their own lives.

9. No legal advice. Legal advice in these spaces will almost always be wrong, and therefore harmful. Even if you are a lawyer, this is an international community, with thousands of relevant laws that could affect each person’s case.

10. Don't use this group to market any person, service, or product without express permission. This includes using this group for any form of research.

11. Other people’s bodies are not your business. No fat-shaming. No talking about others' perceived ugliness. Fitness is not a moral good. Beauty is not something we owe the world. And everyone gets to decide what to do with their own bodies, whether or not you personally like it.

12. No proselytizing. Don't preach to people about your religion. This includes non-mainstream religions, and quasi-religious ideas like astrology. It also includes religion-shaming. Proselytizing also includes religion shaming. It’s fine to critique religious traditions, but it is NOT fine to assume that all members of a religion are the same, or to make blanket statements about a religion (“You can’t be Christian and a feminist,” for example).

13. Absolute confidentiality. People share things in here that could make them extremely vulnerable. We take privacy very seriously. Do not share screen shots with any person or group. Do not share gossip or third hand accounts of things you read here.

14. Do not block moderators. You can block any group members. You are always welcome to post anonymously, or to message me and ask me to post something on your behalf.

15. Directness is kindness. Sarcasm, passive-aggression, and indirect communication are ineffective and often cruel. We value directness and honesty here. It's ok to say, "It seems like you have a history of paying a lot of money for spirituality schemes" or "This relationship seems a lot like your last one." It's not ok to say "lol ok" or "lol another man I see." Say what you mean.

16. If you see questionable content, please report it. All reports come to me, allowing me to manage the issue. If you are upset about something that happens in the group, please email me: zawn@zawn.net. Flouncing or leaving a bunch of passive aggressive comments on Substack will not get my attention, but emailing me to discuss the problem will.

17. You can post about anything you want here; it doesn't have to be explicitly feminist because this is a support group and a community. However, you cannot post anti-feminist or triggering content. This includes diet advice, colonialist garbage (including stealing indigenous practices), or anything in defense of male bullshit.

18. Group members who violate group rules will receive a warning, and a 24-hour suspension. They can then decide if they would like to apologize and rejoin the group, or leave the group. Any group member who does not reply to a warning will automatically lose membership privileges.

Our group celebrates birthdays and milestones, and holds in-person meetups. Check the pinned posts to see a list of upcoming events. And feel free to start your own events or other contributions to the group!

HOW TO JOIN THE GROUP

The process for joining the group is very simple:

1. Become a paid subscriber to the Liberating Motherhood Substack or Patreon. If you cannot afford a membership, then please email zawn@zawn.net. Put “substack scholarship” in the subject line of your email. In the body of your email, indicate that you cannot afford to pay the fee (you must specifically state that you cannot afford membership), and that you are seeking a waiver. Once your waiver is granted, you’ll receive an email confirming membership.

2. Sign the NDA. Completing the form will automatically email your NDA to me. Once you have done so, you do not need to get permission to join the group, and you do not need to email again. Simply apply to join the group.

3. Read the rules listed above.

4. Apply to join the group, and make sure to answer all of the questions you receive when prompted. If you do not answer the questions, you will not be able to join.